How to really communicate in a relationship or marriage?  How to build trust in a relationship? Communication in an intimate relationship is about “Mindful Speaking” and “Mindful Listening”. It is about how to be your true self.

How to communicate better in a relationship? How to build emotional intimacy? Please note as in most inner work, this may sound simple, but it can be challenging for us to implement and for us to change. This is because we’ve been speaking and listening the same way for decades. Change is not easy. In addition, as a general statement as a society, we do not listen very well. When someone is speaking to us, we are thinking about what we are going to say next rather than truly listening.

First we’ll look at Mindful Speaking then we’ll look at Mindful Listening.

Mindful Speaking

There are basically five “5” steps to mindful or adult-like speaking in relationships as follows:

1. Ask your partner “ Is this a good time to speak?” If it is a good time, then you continue. If now is not a good time, you both need to agree when it is a good time to speak in the very near future. The reason is sometimes, we’ve had a long day at work, and we cannot give our partner our full attention. Perhaps in the morning is a better time to speak.

Important Notes–
(A) It is important always to start your statements/ words with “I” versus “You”.  The minute you say “You” you are putting your partner on the defensive.

(B) When you start using this communication exercise, start with simple subjects. Later you can move onto subjects that may have more charge or emotions. We’ll use the simple example here of doing the dishes.

(C) Stick to one “1” specific subject. Do not go into the past and other subjects. Also, never state “always”.

(D) There is no “blame” or “criticism”

2. What I observed or experienced
   “This morning I observed you left the dishes in the sink”
3. What I made up about it
   “The meaning I give to this is that you expect me to pick up after you”
4. How I feel about it
   “I make myself feel hurt and angry. Hurt that you don’t listen and angry that you don’t share the load”. Note- own your own feelings. No one else makes you feel anything.
5. My request
   “What would help me feel better is for you to reassure me that you take this seriously and perhaps try to do put the dishes in the dishwasher half the time”

Notes:
1) You are requesting a specific behavior change that would help you feel better now.
2) You have to be prepared that your partner may not accept your request
3) If your partner does not accept your request, ask if you can discuss a compromise of some sort. Adult relationships and marriages are about constant compromise
4) Appreciate what you get from your partner and “let go” of what you don’t get

Mindful Listening

Important Goals:

• Try to put yourself aside and be at their service.
• Help them feel better.
• Your partner feels understood.
• No blame or criticism.

1) Listen to Understand
Repeat back summarizing what you heard. So, you need to really listen to repeat back.

For example,

• “So this is your experience of it ________”
• “Given that experience of _______, I understand how you felt about it”
• “ Have I got the gist of it?”

2) Acknowledge What You Can

• Find something for which you can take responsibility

Examples-
“Yes, I did that” or
“Yes, I did some portion of that” or
“Yes, I have done that in the past, so I can see what you are concerned about it”

3) Give What You Can

• Try to satisfy the other person and re-establish connection
• Emphasize what you are going to give, not what you cannot give
• Find something you can say yes to: “Yes, I’ll do that” or “I will do some portion of it.”
• If it feels OK, end with a hug.