We humans are social creatures and are in constant relationships with everyone in our lives. But we are not taught relationships when we are children.  We do not learn relationships in school or from our childhood friends. But, how we learn relationships is by soaking in our parents’ relationships. We do this unconsciously and we are not told this. So, as adults, usually in mid-life, if we want to grow and transform, we need to unlearn some important negative patterns we learned from our parents to be our own individuated and unique person; the person we are meant to be. Sometimes there is a midlife transition or a midlife crisis. We ask ourselves, What is the meaning of life, or What is the purpose of life. This can be considered part of the individuation process; also known as inner transformation or personal transformation. It is about how to transform yourself.

How to make a relationship work? Keeping things simple, over the past 30 years working with couples, individuals, and families, I have found the following skills/ strategies to be the most important to focus on. These are simple concepts; but actually, implementing them can be challenging. It is about intimacy in a relationship. How to build emotional intimacy.

1. Telling the Truth
How to rebuild trust in a relationship? How to have a healthy relationship? A very wise couples’ counselor, Terry Real, states “The level of intimacy is directly proportional to the level of truthfulness”. The truth always comes out sooner or later. Many times, people keep things inside and do not speak their truth- perhaps because they are afraid. They begin walking on eggshells. Usually, resentment builds up. There is an elephant in the room, and nobody wants to talk about it. The fear of not talking builds and builds and so does the resentment. Until one day it blows. If a person’s truth is not said in or near the beginning, it then leads to irresponsible behavior such as an affair, addictive behavior, anxiety, depression and so on. Couples need to talk and make time to talk. Couples need to tend to the garden that lies in between them.

2. Don’t Blame (or Unconscious Projection)
Bottom line- we learn our relationship patterns from our parents. We don’t learn them in school or from our childhood friends- but from our parents. This concept is sometimes hard to accept. The first move of the psyche is always projection. We unconsciously project ourselves onto celebrities and then call them stars. We unconsciously project our “stuff” onto our partners and then blame them (for our stuff). When we truly look into the mirror and do our true inner work, we see it is us. Then we can pull back those projections and own our own stuff. Part of this – is accepting the other just the way they are. You need to do your inner work- they need to do their inner work. It is said, “The Way Out… is In”. Much of our world and its wars are based on “It’s the other one’s fault”. Acceptance of another person sounds easy, but it is not.

3. Boundaries
How to set boundaries in a relationship? What are healthy boundaries in a relationship? Like a house that has walls (boundaries) that separate rooms, all relationships have boundaries. Intimate relationships, work relationships, family relationships, friendships; all relationships have boundaries. When we work on our relationships, we have to do two things simultaneously: work on our relationship and work on ourselves. It is likened to a tennis game. You are playing the tennis game together, but each person has to stay on their side of the net and do their own work. Boundaries vary in different ways; some people can be walled off and struggle with intimacy, talking, and emotions; some have very loose boundaries and do not respect other’s space. We all need to learn and work on our boundaries and strive for healthy ones; not too tight, not too loose. How to build self-esteem and build confidence is very important.

4. Nonviolent Communication
How to communicate in a relationship? True communication is about mindful speaking and mindful listening. In general, as human beings, we do not listen very well. As our partner or friend is speaking, we are in our head thinking about how we are going to respond instead of truly listening to them. Marshall Rosenberg wrote a beautiful book called Nonviolent Communication. The basics of this communication is a “5” step process starting with “I” versus “You”. The moment you start with “You did this…”, the other person is on the defensive.  Nonviolent communication is about clearly expressing who I am without blaming or criticizing. The “5” steps include : (1) asking if this a good time to talk; (2) What I observe regarding….; (3) How I feel about this…; (4) What I need or value….; (5) Requesting- Would you be willing to do this….

Then the person who is listening repeats back each stage to make sure they listened well. Sounds simple, but it’s a whole new language and pattern of speaking. It works with practice. It’s expressing our observations, feelings, needs, and requests in a non-harmful, non-blaming way.

5. Discovering our Patterns (which may be unconscious)
All patterns start from “initial conditions” or the beginning. The initial conditions start the trajectory for the subsequent patterns. For example, the acorn becomes the oak tree. This work is about emotional patterns and relationship patterns. Our childhood is our initial condition for our adult life. We learn patterns in childhood in order to survive or compensate for our parents or traumatic events that happened in childhood.  Then we bring those patterns into our adult life. However, the patterns we learned in childhood no longer work in adulthood. Again, we learned these patterns from our parents. So, at a certain point in our life (usually in mid-life), we look in the mirror and start to see the patterns that no longer work for us. Then we begin our Individuation or soul work; to discover our true calling; to discover the unique person we are meant to be. Jung said, “The greatest sin is a child living the unlived life of their parents”. At this stage, if we are lucky, we find a way to quiet our ego and mind and find our Deeper Self, our true Calling.

If we can work on the above 5 important relationship strategies and skills, we and our loved ones become both clearer and happier. And in turn, we live the lives we were meant to live.